I love the Challenge That Dare Not Speak Its Name. But why? Why are GLBT issues so important? We've been asked to answer that question this month as part of the challenge. Truthfully, I almost decided to not write a post. Not because I didn't want to, not because I didn't care, not because I don't believe that they are important. I do want to, I do care, I do believe that they are important. But the reason I almost didn't is because I seem incapable of talking about things that really matter to me in a coherent manner. I stumble over words. I can never seem to say what I feel in the eloquent fashion that others do. And this leads me to worry that I will ultimately do more harm than good. But here we go anyway, in my own possibly indecipherable jumble of words...
Gays. Lesbians. Bisexuals. Transgenders. Me. What do we all have in common? Lots of things. But for one thing, we're all people. We all dream. We all want. We all give. We all take. We all love. But NO two human beings are the same. And I feel like I want to know each and every one. I want to hear everyone's story. Obviously, I can't hear all the nearly 6.8 billion stories out there. But I still want to hear as many as I can. No, I can never truly understand what it feels like to live in someone else's skin, but stories can bring me a little bit, and sometimes a lot, closer.
But that's the bigger picture in my mind. There's another reason. A reason that pummels my heart and makes it ache beyond words. It's the story of someone real. Rich's cousin. He's gay. When he was a young man, many years ago, he told his parents that he was gay. His parents would never have anything to do with him again. His parents have both died in somewhat recent years. But in all those decades in between, nothing. Nothing. Ever.
This abandonment happened before I'd even met Rich. And when I first heard this story, I was sick. Sick. What other reaction can a person have to stories like this? It's simply unfathomable, isn't it? Unfathomable. How does a parent just say, "Get lost. You no longer exist to me."?!! How does a person bring a child into the world, raise them, claim to love them...and then decide they don't want their own child in their life anymore simply because of who they are?!!
Yes, I'm crying again. I cry every time I think about this. And sometimes I throw up. Rich's cousin and his partner have been together longer than Rich and I have, and we've been together nearly 23 years. How can that be wrong? How can love ever be wrong? Hate. Now that's wrong. Intolerance. That's wrong. Bigotry. That's wrong. But love. Love...no, definitely not.
Oh Debi, what a horrifying story. I've heard stories like this before, but never from anyone I've known personally. I always want to think this sort of thing only happens in books. :( Hugs to you, Rich, and his cousin (and his partner). And thank you for deciding to post this. Really. You didn't mess anything up, I promise. I was beautiful.
ReplyDeleteI know a few gay men that have been treated this way by their families and you are right it is disgusting. Unfortunately their families are stuck in the past, when they found gay relationships to be such a taboo. I can't imagine ever turning on my children because of their choice of partner to love.
ReplyDeleteWonderful essay, Debi, and well worth posting. I, too, know of families in which a child has been disowned because he was gay. Fortunately, the parents who disowned the child did not disown the children he fathered before coming out and leaving his wife. Sad as it was that the parents disowned their child, at least they did not hold his children accountable for what they saw as the sin of the father.
ReplyDeleteI think you showed a lot of eloquence in your post and I thank you for sharing your's and Rich's story. Thankfully my family did not behave in such a manner and I'm grateful for it everytime I read a story or learn of it from a friend.
ReplyDeletewell i just came off of living with my brother and David who were gay. I lived with them for 9 years. Although "it's not my thing to be gay", I had no problem loving my brother and david who became a brother. And my brother was an "in your face gay" he dared you to not like him because of it.. sometimes I wanted to smack him..but he was my brother and I never stopped loving him because he wasn't "normal" ..whatever that's supposed to mean. I KNOW he didn't ask to be born gay, nor david.. you don't blame a person for being born with no legs, in fact you have sympathy for them..but being born gay? I still don't claim to understand all of it.. but I know they were together 43 years before my brother died. David was devistated as was I. David and I hugged each other and cried for our mutual loss.. the same as anyone would.
ReplyDeleteIt may not be "your thing" to be gay...but they are every bit as human as anyone else. they live, they love, they work, they pay taxes... gah.. gads I will shut up now.
I'm so happy I found your new blog, Debi! As usual, you said it so well, there isn't much to add. It sounds as though Rich's cousin has made a happy life for himself, despite his parents.
ReplyDeleteWow. It's not the first time I hear of a story like this, but it makes me sick AND angry every time. Like Amanda said, give Rich and his cousin and his cousin's partner a hug next time you see them. And Debi, I'm SO glad you did post this!
ReplyDeleteMy close friend stayed hidden for a long time because his family are strict Catholics. I don't think his mom knows to this day and I've known for over 20+years. I loved your words of wisdom!
ReplyDeleteOh Debi, I think you said that quite well! I share the same feelings you do! I can't imagine not accepting or loving my child because of his/her preference!
ReplyDeletetake care,
Dawn
Awful, awful, awful. Makes me want to scream and cry.
ReplyDelete:(
ReplyDeleteAstounding. I know it happens all too often, but I will never ever understand.
ReplyDeleteI love what you said about wanting to hear everyone's story. That's exactly how I feel, and why I read anything.
It's so sad when I hear stories about stuff like this. But honestly, I could tell you, my parents would be the exact same way. I know how they are. My dad got so mad at Luke (my brother) and I a year ago Christmas, he went outside and sat in the car. For talking about what a great movie Brokeback Mountain was.
ReplyDeleteIt completely breaks my heart. But I think it's why I try so hard with my kids. And why my kids don't know my parents very well.
I'm sorry about Rich's cousin. But I think your words were beautiful, whether you do or not!! They always are.
A friend of mine just recently came out to his parents and it's been a difficult time. Hopefully his parents won't take it that far, but it horrifies me the way they and other parents react. I can't understand it. Thank you for sharing your family's story!
ReplyDeleteThat is a heart-wrenching story. Unfortunately I have heard others like it. It is hard to imagine that someone could be SO controlled by fear that he or she would reject his own child. Lovely post! I look forward to visiting your blog again.
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