my own worst enemy

Okay, so the "good stuff" is good. I've found that keeping track on a daily basis really does help me...seriously, I'm amazed how much it can help my mood!

But it's sort of also brought out one of my worst traits: my habit of feeling guilty about everything. In this case, I've found that when I'm having a bad day, or when I'm really upset about something, or especially when I upset about seemingly nothing, the guilt really goes into overdrive. I find myself thinking, "Grow up, Debi. Look at all the good stuff in your life. You are so damn blessed it's frankly ridiculous. You have no right to be so upset."

But I know that in reality, denying bad feelings isn't healthy either. So I've decided to give myself one day a month to just bitch. To just let it out. To be as whiny as I can be. And let me tell you, I can be whiny.

So sticking with the theme of "my own worst enemy"...

Other things that I make myself miserable with guilt over:

*Not homeschooling the boys. Despite the fact that we constantly reevaluate their educational needs, etc. and try our damnedest to do what is best for each kiddo as an individual, I feel so guilty that Annie ends up with so much more of my time (because of school) than the boys do. And events like what happened last evening, when Gray came in and just broke down in tears, begging me to let him stay home on Tuesday so he wouldn't have to sing and dance in front of the whole school, just ratchet up that guilt a-hundredfold.

*The time I spend on the computer, despite the fact that it is my entire social life.

*Not being able to do it all...from keeping up with blog reading (contradicting the item above, so see it's one of those damned if you do, damned if you don't deals)...to making everyone I love handmade cards for every occasion...to cooking three well-balanced meals a day for my family to...

And it's not only with guilt that I seem determined to make myself miserable either:

*I drive myself crazy even with the things I love. Like reading. I get sooooo frustrated over having so many books going at one time. And yet I can't seem to break the habit. (Sure, some of it can't be avoided because of school, but much of it could.)

*Sleep. I'm actually pretty darn lucky in that I'm one of those people that seem to be able to function fairly well on less than an ideal number of hours of sleep. Good thing, because since Gray was born (Gray has NEVER slept well), I'll bet I could count on my fingers the number of nights I've had more than 6 hours of sleep. And I don't think I've had a single night where I've had 6 uninterrupted hours. But it used to be okay...I seemed capable of dealing with 5 or 6 hours of sleep, even when I had to get up several times a night with Gray (or a combination of someone elses). And I think that was because I could always just drop back off to sleep immediately the second I crawled back into bed. But those days seem to have taken a hiatus. Hopefully a short hiatus. Now, I go to bed and am inevitably woken up 2 or 3 hours later, but then I can't get back to sleep. For hours. Eventually, I do...but then I have to get back up to start the day. I think I've had one night in the past week and a half when I got a total of more than 4 hours of sleep. And well, 3 1/2 hours is just not enough, even for me. So stupid brain or body or whatever it is that is doing this to me, just stop it, okay?!!!!!!

*Our house is a disaster. I know, seriously, I know that having an immaculate house is not the most important thing in life. And while I keep the bathroom clean and other essentials, for the most part I just can't keep up...there's just too many other things that are more important that demand my attention. But see, the thing is, when the house is a mess I just feel more stressed out. For the most part, it's not even a conscious realization. Until I manage to finally get things looking good again, and I notice how great I feel. (For about two hours until everything's a mess again anyway.)

*One of the worst things of all is that I'm not superwoman. I just CANNOT get caught up with homeschooling stuff. I just can't. A good week, I spend 40 hours at it. An average week, more like 60. A killer week, pushing 80. And still, I'm never caught up.

Whew. Honestly, that felt good. Though, yes, I do feel guilty for being so whiny over such little things. Hopefully it will last me until February.