payback?

If I didn't know better, I'd think I was being punished for all my whining and moaning yesterday morning. Shortly after I wrote that post, I got a call from Rich. Turns out the problem with Rich's car that we were hoping was minor, was actually major. As in a death sentence...costing way more to fix than the car is worth. Honestly, it's hard to complain...the car was ancient when we bought it, and we've had it for several years. Never in our lives have we had a new car, and really, we've been quite lucky with all the used cars we've bought.

But despite the fact that this had to be expected sooner or later, it still stung. Because what it means to practical terms is that Rich and I are going to have to postpone our trip to England. We've been saving for the past few years, planning to go this summer for our 20th anniversary. But it now looks like that's not to be. We'll have to wait until next year or maybe the year after. (One of the worst things is that it will now be much longer until I get to meet Ana. :( I can't tell you how sad this makes me.)

Anyway, today's a new day. Time just has a way of making you better able to handle your disappointments, I guess. Not that I don't still feel like crying a little.

I'm sorry to say that I had a hard time scraping up good things yesterday...I was too busy feeling sorry for myself. But last evening, I did capture one beautiful scene that just warmed my heart.

January 11th "Good Stuff"



*Max is our reluctant reader. Sometimes getting him to read his 15 minutes a night for homework is a challenge. But last night, he just got wrapped up in his book. His bedtime came and went, and we just couldn't bear to tear him away from his reading. And while he sat there, engrossed in his newest Zelda book, Aldo sat there soaking up the petting. Anytime Max stopped, she let him know. The two of them sat there like that for over an hour until Max finished his book. :)

my own worst enemy

Okay, so the "good stuff" is good. I've found that keeping track on a daily basis really does help me...seriously, I'm amazed how much it can help my mood!

But it's sort of also brought out one of my worst traits: my habit of feeling guilty about everything. In this case, I've found that when I'm having a bad day, or when I'm really upset about something, or especially when I upset about seemingly nothing, the guilt really goes into overdrive. I find myself thinking, "Grow up, Debi. Look at all the good stuff in your life. You are so damn blessed it's frankly ridiculous. You have no right to be so upset."

But I know that in reality, denying bad feelings isn't healthy either. So I've decided to give myself one day a month to just bitch. To just let it out. To be as whiny as I can be. And let me tell you, I can be whiny.

So sticking with the theme of "my own worst enemy"...

Other things that I make myself miserable with guilt over:

*Not homeschooling the boys. Despite the fact that we constantly reevaluate their educational needs, etc. and try our damnedest to do what is best for each kiddo as an individual, I feel so guilty that Annie ends up with so much more of my time (because of school) than the boys do. And events like what happened last evening, when Gray came in and just broke down in tears, begging me to let him stay home on Tuesday so he wouldn't have to sing and dance in front of the whole school, just ratchet up that guilt a-hundredfold.

*The time I spend on the computer, despite the fact that it is my entire social life.

*Not being able to do it all...from keeping up with blog reading (contradicting the item above, so see it's one of those damned if you do, damned if you don't deals)...to making everyone I love handmade cards for every occasion...to cooking three well-balanced meals a day for my family to...

And it's not only with guilt that I seem determined to make myself miserable either:

*I drive myself crazy even with the things I love. Like reading. I get sooooo frustrated over having so many books going at one time. And yet I can't seem to break the habit. (Sure, some of it can't be avoided because of school, but much of it could.)

*Sleep. I'm actually pretty darn lucky in that I'm one of those people that seem to be able to function fairly well on less than an ideal number of hours of sleep. Good thing, because since Gray was born (Gray has NEVER slept well), I'll bet I could count on my fingers the number of nights I've had more than 6 hours of sleep. And I don't think I've had a single night where I've had 6 uninterrupted hours. But it used to be okay...I seemed capable of dealing with 5 or 6 hours of sleep, even when I had to get up several times a night with Gray (or a combination of someone elses). And I think that was because I could always just drop back off to sleep immediately the second I crawled back into bed. But those days seem to have taken a hiatus. Hopefully a short hiatus. Now, I go to bed and am inevitably woken up 2 or 3 hours later, but then I can't get back to sleep. For hours. Eventually, I do...but then I have to get back up to start the day. I think I've had one night in the past week and a half when I got a total of more than 4 hours of sleep. And well, 3 1/2 hours is just not enough, even for me. So stupid brain or body or whatever it is that is doing this to me, just stop it, okay?!!!!!!

*Our house is a disaster. I know, seriously, I know that having an immaculate house is not the most important thing in life. And while I keep the bathroom clean and other essentials, for the most part I just can't keep up...there's just too many other things that are more important that demand my attention. But see, the thing is, when the house is a mess I just feel more stressed out. For the most part, it's not even a conscious realization. Until I manage to finally get things looking good again, and I notice how great I feel. (For about two hours until everything's a mess again anyway.)

*One of the worst things of all is that I'm not superwoman. I just CANNOT get caught up with homeschooling stuff. I just can't. A good week, I spend 40 hours at it. An average week, more like 60. A killer week, pushing 80. And still, I'm never caught up.

Whew. Honestly, that felt good. Though, yes, I do feel guilty for being so whiny over such little things. Hopefully it will last me until February.

out of whack, but looking forward to a new year

Warning: I am about to whine. I will try to get it out of the way as quickly and painlessly as possible, but whining it will be. And then, I shall get on to the good stuff.

I have never been so anxious to say good-bye to the month of December as I am this year. Isn't that pathetic?!! I hate that I feel that way...I don't like feeling like such a cranky old grump. :( Usually, December is my favorite time of the year...always hectic, but manageable. This year nothing seemed manageable. The month started with the flu. Totally knocked me out for days...and I usually refuse to let anything stop me. (In fact, it refuses to totally release it's grip on me even now...the chest pain and coughing seem determined to hang on.) Anyway, this set me back immensely on holiday preps. I spent the next few weeks in overdrive. Then last Saturday, we headed to my parents for our annual get-together with some extended family. We left Annie there to spend some time with her grandparents. The next few days I really went crazy, trying to finish up some gifts I was making, finish up the wrapping, cleaning the house, preparing beds, and mostly cooking, cooking, cooking. Because my parents and my brother always come up and spend a few days with us over Christmas. They were due to arrive late Thursday morning. On the verge of collapse Wednesday night, but finally feeling that I had my act together for the following few days, Rich, the boys, and I sat down to watch A Christmas Story. And about halfway through, Rich said, "I feel like my face is on fire. I think I have a fever." Sure enough, 102.8 degrees. Yes, he had somehow managed to come down with the flu. So, I immediately had to call my parents and let them know. We worked it out that they would just drive up in the morning and drop off Annie, and then head back home. So I then spent the next hour or so taking everything out from under the tree and digging out and packing up all the presents for my parents and brother. Spent the next morning, dividing up all the food I'd been making for the past three days so I could send half of it home with them. Spent a good deal of time simply in tears because I was on the verge of exhaustion from being sick for so long and working so hard, just to have it all seem to be for nothing. And this is why I just want December to go the hell away.

BUT.

I've really had sooooooo much to smile about this month, too. I really, truly have. And so much of has been because of the incredible friends I have made through blogging. Honestly, I've cried tears of pure joy on more than one occasion this month due to the unbelievably thoughtful, generous, loving words and actions of friends that I'm not sure I even deserve. You all know who you are. And I so hope you all know how very much I love you.

And ZOMG, was I spoiled with gifts! Rich and I had agreed to cut back...but I don't think he listened. ;) (Granted, some of the books came from the library book sale, but still!) And oh my goodness, the lovely gifts I received from friends...my heart nearly burst.

Here's a picture of all the goodies that will make my reading life even more delightful:

Not only did I get this amazing stack of books and so much money in gift cards that I feel almost guilty about it, but I got beautiful bookmarks, some of them handmade, tea and chocolate to savor as I read, the most beautiful and comfy handmade slippers imaginable, and the most special handmade Calpurnia doll that this world has ever seen.

This is far more spoilage than any one person needs, I know. And yet, I received even more...some crafty supplies, office supplies, and a gorgeous framed photo that I fell in love with the first time I saw it (from the talented photographer herself).

You know, bottom line, as cranky and ugly as I've felt much of this month, I was inundated in love. And thus, my new year's resolution, a few days early:

Make every day a good day! (Okay, so I totally stole this from Annie...it was her New Year's resolution back when she was four years old. Smart kid!) Treasure the little things (and the big things) that make life so beautiful. Remember that the not-so-good stuff is a part of life (and truly it's an important part in helping me see how honestly blessed I am). Never miss an opportunity to say, "I love you," and never miss an opportunity to show it through actions. Be appreciative. Live.