Monday, January 11, 2010

my own worst enemy

Okay, so the "good stuff" is good. I've found that keeping track on a daily basis really does help me...seriously, I'm amazed how much it can help my mood!

But it's sort of also brought out one of my worst traits: my habit of feeling guilty about everything. In this case, I've found that when I'm having a bad day, or when I'm really upset about something, or especially when I upset about seemingly nothing, the guilt really goes into overdrive. I find myself thinking, "Grow up, Debi. Look at all the good stuff in your life. You are so damn blessed it's frankly ridiculous. You have no right to be so upset."

But I know that in reality, denying bad feelings isn't healthy either. So I've decided to give myself one day a month to just bitch. To just let it out. To be as whiny as I can be. And let me tell you, I can be whiny.

So sticking with the theme of "my own worst enemy"...

Other things that I make myself miserable with guilt over:

*Not homeschooling the boys. Despite the fact that we constantly reevaluate their educational needs, etc. and try our damnedest to do what is best for each kiddo as an individual, I feel so guilty that Annie ends up with so much more of my time (because of school) than the boys do. And events like what happened last evening, when Gray came in and just broke down in tears, begging me to let him stay home on Tuesday so he wouldn't have to sing and dance in front of the whole school, just ratchet up that guilt a-hundredfold.

*The time I spend on the computer, despite the fact that it is my entire social life.

*Not being able to do it all...from keeping up with blog reading (contradicting the item above, so see it's one of those damned if you do, damned if you don't deals) making everyone I love handmade cards for every cooking three well-balanced meals a day for my family to...

And it's not only with guilt that I seem determined to make myself miserable either:

*I drive myself crazy even with the things I love. Like reading. I get sooooo frustrated over having so many books going at one time. And yet I can't seem to break the habit. (Sure, some of it can't be avoided because of school, but much of it could.)

*Sleep. I'm actually pretty darn lucky in that I'm one of those people that seem to be able to function fairly well on less than an ideal number of hours of sleep. Good thing, because since Gray was born (Gray has NEVER slept well), I'll bet I could count on my fingers the number of nights I've had more than 6 hours of sleep. And I don't think I've had a single night where I've had 6 uninterrupted hours. But it used to be okay...I seemed capable of dealing with 5 or 6 hours of sleep, even when I had to get up several times a night with Gray (or a combination of someone elses). And I think that was because I could always just drop back off to sleep immediately the second I crawled back into bed. But those days seem to have taken a hiatus. Hopefully a short hiatus. Now, I go to bed and am inevitably woken up 2 or 3 hours later, but then I can't get back to sleep. For hours. Eventually, I do...but then I have to get back up to start the day. I think I've had one night in the past week and a half when I got a total of more than 4 hours of sleep. And well, 3 1/2 hours is just not enough, even for me. So stupid brain or body or whatever it is that is doing this to me, just stop it, okay?!!!!!!

*Our house is a disaster. I know, seriously, I know that having an immaculate house is not the most important thing in life. And while I keep the bathroom clean and other essentials, for the most part I just can't keep up...there's just too many other things that are more important that demand my attention. But see, the thing is, when the house is a mess I just feel more stressed out. For the most part, it's not even a conscious realization. Until I manage to finally get things looking good again, and I notice how great I feel. (For about two hours until everything's a mess again anyway.)

*One of the worst things of all is that I'm not superwoman. I just CANNOT get caught up with homeschooling stuff. I just can't. A good week, I spend 40 hours at it. An average week, more like 60. A killer week, pushing 80. And still, I'm never caught up.

Whew. Honestly, that felt good. Though, yes, I do feel guilty for being so whiny over such little things. Hopefully it will last me until February.


  1. I have to say this is one reason why I include my sad stuff with my good stuff every day. That and because if I don't look at the sad stuff sometimes, I forget how good the good stuff is. So don't feel bad if you have to have a post like this every month, or more often than that.

    Jason is, thankfully, the sort of person who can drop back to sleep immediately, which is good because we never would have gotten through infant-years without that. I made it through about six months with Morrigan, having a breakdown every few days, before Jason quietly took me aside and said to PLEASE let him get up with the baby because he would be so much happier if I slept. He got up with the kids pretty much every night after that, and it never bothered him, not much. It really helped me. Of course, I didn't know I was bipolar at the time and that uninterrupted sleep was essential, but Jason was smart enough to figure out what was going on.

    I know what you mean about the computer and the house. I'm on the computer constantly and I feel so guilty but all my friends live far away! And the house - I think that has to do with staying home, honestly. My house was generally clean when I had a job, but as a stay at home mom, I have no motivation. Why bother? But it does stress me out, and it's this weird contradictory thing.

    Okay, shutting up now. :D

  2. Oh I can't cope with lack of sleep! I envy anyone who can. I have to have eight hours or I am really bloody miserable.

    You are allowed to vent the bad stuff as well as the good stuff. You would be Snow White if everything was hunky dory all the time. Sometimes you just have to let out all the crap that is building up as it is not healthy to keep it in.

    I am sorry to hear Gray was so upset about the singing and dancing. Bless him.

    I am amazed at how much you do for homeschooling. You need to give yourself a big pat on the back for the amount you put in. Annie is very lucky.

    My house feels like it is falling down. Anything electrical is guaranteed to break down within six months of purchase!

  3. sheesh .. if you can hold off and only bitch once a month you are super lady!!
    life is a mix of good and not good and even bad, so you (we) need to let out the stuff that bothers us too. A mix is the best anyone can hope for! whining is good to hear from others too.. makes you know you aren't alone lol..

  4. Oh Debi, I'm so glad you let all of this out! Please feel free to do it as often as you feel like it. Venting feels good, and we're here to listen.

    About home-school: despite the fact that you feel behind all the time, Annie IS getting an education - and a great one at that. So please keep that in mind!

    I'm so sorry you've been having trouble sleeping :( I can't imagine surviving on as little as that. Maybe try some natural sleep aid if things don't get better on their own soon?

    *hugs just because*

  5. I am a firm believer in venting. It keeps it from building up inside you!

    Oh, I need sleep. I get about 7 hours but if left to my own schedule I'd sleep about 9 hours or more. I LOVE sleep. I think about all those wasted hours avoiding it as a child and I just shake my head.

    I love the feeling of a clean house...though I never seem to have every room done at the same time. I have just too much stuff....but I don't want to get rid of my stuff!!!!

    take care,

  6. Huggggggs Debi!!! I'm really glad you posted need to let this stuff out too. It can't be happy and rainbows all the time, though wouldn't it be wonderful if it could, huh?

    I'm sorry to hear that you haven't been sleeping Debi :( That makes me so sad. All of this makes me sad, but to not have a night's rest to recuperate from it all is just mean. I sure hope you get a good nights rest soon. Remember those bath bombs that Ana and I were talking about the other day? You totally need to go get you one and take a nice long bath with a book and a bath bomb before you go to bed one night! That'll help.

    And hugs to Gray. Poor guy. But you know what? He's going to be so proud of himself for having conquered that when he does it. The feeling of having it over with will be such a great feeling for him.

    You do so much hard work, Debi...just do what you can. There are only so many hours in a know that, I'm not telling you anything new. Don't stress about what you know can't be done. And don't feel guilty for your "you" time. If you didn't have that, you'd be so much less productive during other times.

    Love you!!!

  7. I have this sudden urge to just fly up to New York, and switch to working as your personal secretary and maid (what do you call a maid if they're male? A chap?) to let you catch up. I imagine it would be mroe fulfilling than my current full time job. Only, you'd need to build extra rooms for me and the boys and Amanda, and you'd need to pay me enough to live. And I actually am a really crappy secretary and maid. Sorry.